


Fifth Year Feelings

by angelsfalling16



Series: 20 First Kisses [4]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, SnowBaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 07:28:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15359349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelsfalling16/pseuds/angelsfalling16
Summary: Simon and Baz have just gotten back from Christmas break during their fifth year, and Simon hasn’t started dating Agatha.





	Fifth Year Feelings

**Simon**

It’s fifth year, and I’ve just gotten back to Watford after spending Christmas break with the Wellbeloves.  It was nice getting to spend time with Agatha, but it didn’t turn out the way I had expected it to. I had planned on asking her out after Christmas, and I even had it all planned out. It was going to be sweet and romantic.

But when the time finally came, it just didn’t feel right anymore.

It wasn’t that I was too nervous or that I chickened out. I just didn’t want to. After four and a half years of pining after her, I was starting to realize that maybe I was wrong about my feelings. Maybe they didn’t go beyond friendship. I’m just glad that I figured that out before I asked her out.

When I get to my room, Baz isn’t there yet. I still have a little bit more time before he gets here. A little more time before I have to start following him around again, trying to figure out what he’s plotting.

Before the break, I followed him down into the catacombs several times. I was trying to find proof that he’s a vampire. So far, I haven’t had any luck.

I change into my uniform almost immediately. It makes Watford feel more real, and it makes me feel like I actually have clothes that belong to me.

When I step out of the bathroom, Baz is there, standing at the end of his bed. My draw drops and a strangled noise comes out of my throat. He turns and sneers at me.

I try to say something, but I choke on my own words.

 

**Baz**

When I get to our room, Snow is already there, banging around in the bathroom. He never manages to do anything quietly. I set my violin and bag at the end of my bed and start putting things away. I hear Snow exit the bathroom, but I don’t acknowledge him.

It takes everything in me not to turn and stare at him. It’s been a couple of weeks since we last saw each other, and I had hoped that my feelings for him would go away. But they didn’t. If anything, they grew stronger.

I realized how I felt about him not long after fifth year started. It was sometime after I tried to scare him with the Chimera but before he fell down the stairs. (I didn’t actually push him like I told my aunt.) (He just happened to fall down them after I punched him. I felt bad, thinking maybe I seriously hurt him.)

Anyway, my feelings didn’t go away, and now, I can’t stop thinking about kissing him. Over break, I played sad songs on my violin nonstop. My stepmum, Daphne, kept asking me if I was depressed. She started talking to my father about sending me to see a psychologist or something, so I had to tell them something.

I probably could have just made something up, but I really did want them to know the truth. Obviously, I couldn’t tell them that I was in love with Simon Snow, one of the people that my family was currently trying to get rid of, so I told them half of the truth. That I’m gay.

My father wasn’t mad exactly, but he wasn’t too pleased either. I had expected him to yell or kick me out, but after a day or two of barely talking to me, everything went back to normal. I suppose he just decided to ignore my gayness.

Daphne didn’t mind at all. She actually wanted to know who it was that I was pining for. I couldn’t tell her, but I did assure her that it wasn’t Dev or Niall before they came over to hang out for the day. She told me that if I ever wanted to, I could talk to her about it or she would find me someone to talk to before she dropped it completely.

Now, here I am back in our room, my heart racing as I try to put away my things quickly so that I can get out of there before doing something I’ll regret. I want to kiss him. And then, I want to punch him for making me want to kiss him when we’re supposed to be enemies. Then, I want to kiss him again to apologize for hurting him. (My feelings for Snow are seriously warped.)

He makes a strange noise, so I turn to look at him. He’s standing just outside the bathroom with his mouth open. I sneer at him, hoping he’ll go about his business. But he doesn’t.

Instead, he tries to say something but can’t quite manage it. I start to worry about why he’s staring at me. Could he have figured out how I feel about him? That’s not possible.

“Spit it out, Snow,” I say, turning away from him.

He starts and ends a bunch of things before he finally chokes out a word that sounds like “jeans.” I must not have heard him right.

“What?” I say.

His cheeks turn pink as he says, “You’re wearing… jeans.”

I look down. Of course I’m wearing jeans. I haven’t gotten the chance to change into my uniform yet. But why does he care? And why does he seem so nervous.

 

**Simon**

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I see Baz all the time, but something about seeing him in jeans makes my heart stop. The dark color and the way that they fit just right in a way that my clothes never have renders me speechless. (More speechless than usual anyway.)

He’s looking at me like I’m a blundering idiot, and I don’t blame him. I can’t stop staring at him, and my cheeks just keep growing warmer.

I keep imagining what it would be like if I could see him in jeans every day. But then, I think that it might not be a good idea if this is the effect it has on me. Why am I being affected by this?

I try to walk away, to go join Penny and forget this happened, but my feet feel like they’re glued to the floor.

Finally, after a few moments of us staring at each other, Baz sneers at me as he shoves past me and slams the bathroom door behind him. It takes a minute for me to break out my trance and be able to move again.

 

**Baz**

Bloody Snow won’t stop staring at me with his stupid blue eyes. I can’t handle it any longer. His mouth is still handing slightly open, and all I can think about is kissing him and feeling his lips close around mine.

The only part of him moving are his eyes as they shift nervously back and forth from my legs to my face. Is he trying to say that he likes my jeans? That he likes them on me? Or is that just wishful thinking on my part, that he would be admiring the way I look? It has to be the last thing.

Before I do something stupid (like push him against the wall and kiss him) I grab my uniform and lock myself in the bathroom. Away from the intensity of his stare, I can finally think straight. (My thoughts are the only thing straight about me most of the time.) But that doesn’t mean I’m any less confused.

I stay in the bathroom for a while, hoping that Snow will be gone when I get out. I have no such luck though.

He’s sitting on his bed now. His head jerks up when he hears the door open, and an odd expression crosses his face when he sees me. Was that …  _disappointment_  I saw? I sneer at him, hoping he’ll stop staring at me. He does, but at the same time, his face turns an adorable shade of red.

“Stop staring, Snow!” I sneer before stomping out of our room. I can’t think of anything else to say. What I really want to say is that I love the way he looks when he gets flustered, that I want to know why he keeps staring at me, that I want to kiss him. I can’t say any of those things though, so I just leave.

I don’t go to dinner because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if Snow starts staring at me again. Usually I’m fine, but the way he stared at me today seemed different. I’m afraid I’ll lose control and do something I’ll regret if I don’t just stay away from him for a bit.

Instead, I go to the woods to hunt for squirrels or some other small creature. I don’t go to the catacombs in case he notices I’m not at dinner and starts looking for me.

I stay out as late as possible before heading back to our room. I put my hand on the doorknob but don’t turn it. He’s probably not asleep yet. If I just wait a little bit, he’ll be asleep, and I won’t have to worry about facing him and his eyes that are unwavering.

I slide down to the floor and lean against the wall. Since we’re the only people on the top floor, no one will come up here and see me lurking outside my own room. I close my eyes and try to remove all thoughts of Snow from my mind. It doesn’t work very well.

“Baz,” a voice whispers. It sounds like Snow. I think I must be imagining it, so I keep my eyes shut. “ _Basil_ ,” the voice hisses this time. It really is him.

My eyes fly open, and I look up. Snow is standing above me. I stand up, so we’re face to face.

 

**Simon**

Baz doesn’t come back after dinner. I think about going down to the catacombs to search for him, but then, I think it would be better if I just stayed put. Whatever he’s plotting down there can probably wait until tomorrow.

I sit on my bed for a while, but I start feeling ravenously hungry. I definitely shouldn’t have skipped dinner. When have I ever let Baz keep me from going somewhere? What is he doing to me? Is this part of his evil plot? To confuse me and catch me off guard? Well, if it is… it might actually work because I’m feeling really confused and lost right now.

Baz still doesn’t come back to the room, and my stomach has started to protest the lack of food. I decide to get up and go see if maybe I can get into the kitchen and find something to eat.

When I step out into the hall, Baz is sitting against the wall with his long legs stretched out in front of him. Why is he out here instead of in bed?

I whisper his name, but he doesn’t even stir. I try again, and this time, he stands up. I’m expecting him to sneer at me, but he just looks surprised.

“What are you doing?” He asks.

I feel like I should be asking  _him_  that question. I look down at my feet as I answer. “Er, I was hungry. I didn’t go to dinner.”

I wait for him to call me an imbecile or some other name. But he doesn’t. I look up, and he’s looks like he’s trying not to laugh. I don’t know why he thinks it’s funny, so I just ignore him.

He stops smiling and sighs. “Come on, Snow.” He ushers me back into our room, and I go with him. I don’t even think twice about it; I just follow him, not knowing what he plans to do.

 

**Baz**

I have a stash of food in the bottom drawer of my desk because I don’t like eating in front of people. It’s mostly just apples and crackers, but that’s better than nothing.

I almost laughed when Snow said he had skipped dinner. We had both skipped dinner to avoid each other (at least that’s why I think he didn’t go), and now we are both forced to eat together in our room. He looked embarrassed as he admitted that he was hungry, and I just wanted to lift his chin and tell him it’s okay.

I always feel sad when I see him at the beginning of the year because he looks like he’s been starving for three months. Even if he is supposed to be my enemy, I don’t want him to starve to death. No one should have to suffer through that kind of pain. Sometimes I want to just sit there and keep handing him food until he doesn’t look like a skeleton anymore.

He hovers behind me as I pull out 2 apples and a pack of crackers. I straighten and notice his cheeks are slightly pink. He’s so bloody cute when he blushes, and I just want to knock him over and either hit him or kiss him. Maybe both.

I hand him the crackers and one of the apples. He takes them slowly, and his fingers graze my wrist. I try not to shudder at his touch. Why is he making me so crazy today? I turn away from him and sit on my bed.

He hesitates before moving to sit on his own bed. He stares at the food in his hands for a moment before taking a bite of the apple.

“I can’t believe I never thought of this,” he says quietly, staring at the apple in his hand.

“Thought of what?” I ask.

“Keeping food in the room.”

Actually, I can’t believe it either. The way he eats, you would think he would have stashes hidden everywhere. I toss my own apple from one hand to the other. I watch out of the corner of my eye as he finishes his own apple and starts in on the crackers.

He looks up and catches me staring. I look away quickly, knowing that it’s too late, but eye contact with Snow always feels more intimate than it should.

“Hey, Baz?” he says softly. I turn and look in his direction but not directly at him. “Thanks. For the food.”

I sneer out of habit. “Didn’t want you to starve to death before I got the chance to kill you.” He frowns, and it tugs at my heart. Why can’t I just play nice? Probably because if I did, it would most likely end with me kissing him right before he pushes his sword into my heart. I sigh. “No problem, Snow,” I murmur so quietly that he probably can’t hear me. His face seems to brighten marginally, so maybe he does.

After he’s done eating, he stands up and brushes the crumbs onto the floor between our bed. I pretend not to notice. I roll my apple between my fingers, trying not to stare at him as he stretches his arms above his head.

“Shower,” he says simply, quietly. Then, he turns away from me.

When I hear the water turn on, I start eating my apple. I realize how tense I was with him in the room once I finally start to relax. I need to get it together or I’m not going to survive the rest of the year.

 

**Simon**

When I get out of the shower, Baz is in bed and looks like he is sleeping peacefully. I try to be quiet as I crawl into my own bed. I face him, and watch his chest rise and fall. I spent the entire day in our room thinking about him, and I finally came to a conclusion. The only one that made sense. I’ll never tell him though. I roll over onto my back and whisper to myself.

               “I’m in love with you, Basilton Grimm-Pitch.”

 

**Baz**

What? Did Simon just say ––?  No. He couldn’t have. He must not know that being a vampire heightens my senses. Because I’m pretty sure I just heard every word he said. He probably thinks I’m asleep. I debate whether or not to say something. This may be my only chance to know the truth. But maybe I heard him wrong.

“What?” I say, turning to face him. I watch as his entire body stiffens. He definitely didn’t expect me to hear him.

“I said good night, Baz.” He pulls his pillow over his face, so his voice is muffled. His face is probably bright red.

I consider just letting it go, but I can’t. I have to know.

“Simon…” I say but drift off. I don’t know what I can say that won’t end in me feeling like a fool. Maybe he didn’t say what I thought he said.

 

**Simon**

Did Baz just say my name? He never says my name. He always calls me Snow.

And why can’t he just drop it? Does he seriously have to humiliate me. I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. But it’s too late now, so I sit up in bed.

 

**Baz**

When he sits up, I spell the lights on. His cheeks and ears are a dark red. And he looks like he might start crying soon.

Crowley. I didn’t mean to embarrass him or hurt him. I just – I just really need to know the truth.

I swing my legs out of bed and face his bed. He does the same, but he refuses to look at me. After a moment, I stand up and cautiously sit next to him on his bed. I put my hand on his cheek and turn his head so he’s looking at me.

“Simon,” I say again. His eyes widen, and the corners of his mouth turn up slightly.

His face falls just as quickly. “Don’t,” he says quietly but forcefully.

I pull my hand away. “Don’t what?” I ask.

“You don’t have to do this. You can forget what I said. You don’t always have to use my words against me.” Tears are pooling in his eyes. He wipes them away and looks down again.

“Simon,” I try once again. He won’t look at me, though, and I’m afraid he’ll hit me if I try to put my hand on his face again. “I don’t want to use them against you.”

His head lifts, but he’s looking at me suspiciously. I take his hand lightly, ready for him to yank it away. He doesn’t.

 

**Simon**

This has to be some kind of joke. A seriously  _cruel_  joke. Why else would Baz be on my bed, holding my hand? I think about pulling away, but I can’t. If he’s going to kill me, I’ll let him. It would definitely be better than living knowing that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I squeeze his hand and wait for the words that will kill me before he ever even lays a hand on me.

 

**Baz**

He looks so scared, and I know I’ll have to say it now before it’s too late. Before he pulls away and changes his mind. I take his other hand and look directly into his eyes. His blue, blue eyes.

“I’m in love with you, too, Simon Snow.”

I watch his face as he registers what I’ve just said. His eyes widen, and his mouth drops open. Then, he slams his mouth shut, trying to hide a smile. He has a dimple, and I want to kiss it. But I have to wait. I have to make sure that’s what he wants before I make a move.

It’s completely possible that he has feelings for me but doesn’t want to act on them. It would destroy me, but I would respect him if that’s how he feels.

 

**Simon**

I don’t believe it. Baz loves me. And he’s staring at me, hungrily. I want to kiss him, but I don’t know if I should. What if this is all some big joke? As soon as I press my lips to his, he’ll attack me, and I’ll be left hoping for a swift death.

 

**Baz**

He’s staring at my lips, but he doesn’t move. I sneer inwardly. I wish he would just kiss me already (or not if that’s what he wants) so that we can get through whatever comes after that.

He licks his bottom lip, and I can’t take it anymore. I take my hands out of his and place them on his cheeks. I wait a moment to see if he’ll shake me off. When he doesn’t, I start to lean closer to him, giving him every chance to pull away if that’s what he chooses.

He doesn’t.

He starts moving towards me and our lips meet. His lips are warm (so warm), and he’s buzzing with life and magic. He places his hands behind my neck and pulls me down until we’re lying on his bed.

I tangle one of my hands in his hair, and he growls. I push my mouth harder against his in response.

I can’t believe this happening. I can’t believe I’m lying in Simon Snow’s bed in the middle of the night with him kissing me. I never thought this would ever happen, no matter how many times I’ve dreamt about it the past few months.

He pulls his face away enough so that he can look into my eyes. “I love you, Baz.”

I rub my nose against his before saying, “I love you, Simon.”

Then, he kisses me. Again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you @lifestooshortnottobewhoyouare on Tumblr for beta reading this for me.


End file.
